No Periods Ever?

…and now for my next trick…

Oh, what a summer. As storied in the note about Shelter, this summer was big on transitions for me. My divorce was finalized, my blog was started, and I’ve been working toward feeling settled and cultivating a space (mental and physical) where I can be creative and share my gifts. Well, as seen in body love and movement posts, my focus has been living life with kindness, acceptance, and compassion. My prime directives are to honor my body, to love it, to give it what it needs to heal from the years of neglect and abuse, unconditionally.

Since striking out in this new chapter of my life, and having a wonderfully restful summer I had been expecting my energy to rebound. How could it not once all the stresses of an unhealthy relationship, divorce, moving, and adjusting had passed? Well, I found myself feeling just as low-energy as I was when going through that wilderness of early summer, and I’ve come to realize this isn’t just stress-related. This can’t be eating disorder recovery low-energy anymore.

My friend Kristen of Strong with Purpose helped me consider patiently, gently, carefully, whether being on the pill might have something to do with it.

Like many young girls, I was put on the pill in my early teens by a doctor who was concerned that the irregularity of my periods put me at risk for low bone density. Seemed legit. Though I went off the pill several times over the years, I’ve been mostly on it, and for the past 7 or so years have been taking the pill “continuously”- meaning no inactive pills, meaning NO PERIODS EVER!!!! I loved it. I loved it so much! My moods and relationship to being alive have long been so precarious that opting out of that once-a-month inconvenience of womanhood was a heaven sent blessing and helped me feel more willing to continue living this life – in this body – on this earth.

The pill had come up casually in conversations with Kristen as we were really getting to know each other. I was very impressed with the way she embraced her cycle, how she was so in-tune with her body and with nature’s rhythms. BUT THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT FOR ME. I had so much else going on in my psyche I would not even consider the possibility of inviting in that nightmare again. I was more interested, after hearing an interview with Dr. Kelly Brogan of the book A Mind of Your Own, in finding my way off of psychiatric pharmaceuticals—Prozac and Adderall. I may only need these to helpers because my body hasn’t been properly supported. Perhaps following her protocol of nourishing foods and eliminating inflaming ones I’d be able to find a natural way to feeling energized about life. Perhaps as energized and excited as Kristen!

Then I realized… I would still be on the pill, and I really hadn’t ever look into its side-effects. I didn’t really know how it worked beyond “It tricks your body into thinking it’s pregnant”. But I so wasn’t willing to give it up, not even a little. Whatever the side effects were, it was still worth it to me. I still couldn’t bear the thought of all that discomfort again.

When I learned many women are prescribed anti-depressants as a result of being on the pill, I went UH OH. This went deep. Then I learned my other symptoms might be (probably are) pill related. Taking the quiz in Jolene Brighten‘s book I came to Jesus.

Brain fog, memory problems, depression, restless legs, fatigue, muscle weakness, tired no matter how much I sleep, take naps everyday (I LOVE NAPS) energy crash in the afternoon, lethargy. Hmm…

I continued on my merry way of summer. My summer of self-care and rest. And now that fall is upon us, I realize there’s something holding me back. That Girl Survival Guide- Coming Soon page is starting to feel like another lost project I’ll never get to. I’m feeling done with this. I want to move forward more than I want to be period-free. Maybe I’ve not felt in integrity with myself striving to help girls have a better time in life while I was not fully embracing my girl-hood myself. Maybe learning to flow with my body’s natural rhythms and embrace them will be in better service of my aspirations than largely bypassing them with the pill.

Now, obviously, no judgement here if you’re on the pill and plan to stay on it. I did as long as it worked for me, and I celebrate your freedom to make the choices that work for you! I’m just sharing my experience to tell you I’m with you if you’re experiencing the same thing, and I totally get it if this stuff is not even on your radar.

So yes, I’m looking toward stopping the pill. According to Beyond the Pill (Not Begone the Pill, as my boyfriend hilariously misheard me) by Jolene Brighten, for women like me who have been on it for ages, it’s best to do the 30-day protocol for a month or more before dropping the hormones. This will give my body time to soak up all the love I’m going to give it with nourishing foods, supplements, herbs, and relief from things that I admittedly love, but may be aggravating my gut and disrupting my hormones.

I can’t believe I’m actually feeling excited about going off the pill.

Earlier this summer the thought of life with periods was terrifying and depressing. Now I can see that the same way I let go of controlling my body with food, I can let go of controlling it with the pill. Whatever comes with this next transition, Wild and Winding, I’m here ready to love myself up, if I’m more tired, if I’m irritable, if I hate everything, if the body gets bigger… like I said before, I have that real safety that comes from the foundation of self-love and self-compassion. I have my friend Kristen and her blog for support and comfort, along with the expertise of communities associated with Kelly Brogan’s work and Jolene Brighten’s.

I’m feeling like I have much needed shelter. Bye bye, comfort! And Be gone, the Pill!