When last I left you, dear reader, I was embarking on a rather Rigorous Protocol for preparing my body (or THE body) for kicking the pill. Dietary shifts, supplement additions, herbs galore. Obviously, during the process, I didn’t feel much like putting myself out here, and didn’t feel like doing much else either, but here I am on the other side, pill free, and I have my cycle back!
I was prepared to be a detective, meticulously recording my symptoms in anticipation of my period being an illusive animal that would only come back under the perfect conditions- which I would have to tweak in order to attract the delicate creature back into my life. However, Dr. Brighten’s program did me good, and about a month after stopping the pill, my flow was back, and I was ready for her.
With the Pixie cup, I forget I’m on my period, it’s so comfortable and easy. Just give it a wash every 12 hours (or more frequently if you need), and life goes on.
Equipped with my cup, I was prepared for the irritating symptoms I remembered from periods past, but these did not arrive. Am I just one of the lucky women who simply don’t have a problematic period? I think not. The Brighten Protocol is so thorough in its approach, as you move through the weeks of the program you’re actively addressing the underlying causes of troublesome symptoms. Its also delightfully replete with resources like self-assessments, troubleshooting charts and -my favorite- clear explanations of the science behind the pill’s effects on your body, and a crash course in understanding how your wild, exotic, and powerful body is working every minute to take care of you.
So with this sense of self-efficacy, I decided to embark on phase II- getting off of Prozac.
I watched all the testimonial videos on Dr. Brogan’s website that related to my situation, and listened as women of different ages gushed about how after years of misery, the program had given them their lives back, their SELVES back.
I began the tapering process, using the recommended decrease in dosage over 6 weeks. Things seemed to be going fine. I felt stable, though I didn’t feel any of the revelatory throes of freedom that other women felt. Which I didn’t mind. Being off of that drug was enough for me. But then the tide turned.
Anxiety reared her frazzled head and sunken eyes. Anxiety with no basis in reality.
It’s like my brain was saying “Oh no, something’s not right- what did I do wrong? I did something wrong. What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I DO?”
I have tools for anxiety. I was in therapy for several years dealing with this. Cognitive behavior therapy: notice the thoughts, see that they’re not based in reality, and choose your behavior. Ok, fine, but can this voice in my head and this racing heart just chill for a minute? Kundalini breathing- this requires focus and attention, which my brain did not have AT ALL. Exercise- I went out in the snow on a gorgeous sunny morning and walked and walked. My body tired out. Not my mind. The mind was still not satisfied.
I had no space for my own thoughts, the feeling of tensing against life was pervasive.
Then the depression came. At least it was a relief from feeling anxious, but the thoughts grew darker. So self critical. “No worries, though- I know how to deal with these thoughts”- the work of Byron Katie: question your thoughts and find freedom. I found freedom in the moment I did the work, but how exhausting to do the work ALL WAKING MOMENTS. These thoughts were not garden variety self-criticism either; serious questioning of the value of my existence, and whether I deserve to take up space and resources on this planet. Wouldn’t the earth be better off without me? Just another white girl who feels she’s fat. Redundant and vapid. “Try Tonglen”. Exchange self for other, take on the suffering of the world so that it can be free, and find your own freedom. Only temporary relief. Only while I was practicing.
A few more days of being disappointed to have woken up in the morning, I got my pills back out.
The next day I felt the edge rounded off a touch. The next day gave me more relief and my own thoughts began to sprout again. Appreciative thoughts, ability to see beauty. The ability to feel love deeply, to see the wonder of existence, to want to help the world, along with the confidence I can do so. That my actions matter. That my life matters.
So that’s where I am for now. I may try to taper again in the future, when life circumstances have shifted, and it feel like the right time. Not now, though. I have work to do.